They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
