I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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