I think my vagina is haunted
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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