dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
