so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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