ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
