When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
