first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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