I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
