she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
