When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
