Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night