I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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