Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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