a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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