Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
