90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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