Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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