He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
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The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream