i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
