If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours