If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.