I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
