In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Small penises have feelings too.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
