So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
