youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
