that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
