I hate your face
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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