her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?