i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Randomize
