my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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