Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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