Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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