Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
