I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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