Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
