She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
