last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
