You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
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The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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