We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
