You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wear drunk well.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
