I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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