I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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