I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
