Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
