Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
