I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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