When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
