My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
