My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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