My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
