How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
