i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
