There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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