He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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