And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
