a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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