At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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