I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
