My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
