hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
NoShamevember. You game?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
